Aphantasia

Today wasn't actually all that bad, all things considered. The thing I'm mainly grumpy about at the moment is that I woke up at literally ONE IN THE MORNING and couldn't get back to sleep so I've been in a little bit of a haze all day. Now I'm just a little upset because I've been up since 1am and I want to go to bed but I have to wait for my laundry to be done before I can go to sleep ;-; yay dorm laundry room. I also had to do math homework again for the first time in three months so that was less than pleasant. I also couldn't get myself to eat lunch until about 4pm even though it was just some strawberry Uncrustables (my current safety food) that were in my backpack the entire time. I will definitely be taking melatonin tonight so I can get more than four hours of sleep.

I woke up tired today, and that was the theme of the day as a whole. I probably would have fallen asleep in church if I didn't have my crochet to work on to keep me awake, and I was even more exhausted afterwards. What was worse was that, right after I had regained some of my energy, we went to visit some relatives for about four hours, during which everyone else of the eleven people there were full of energy and I was just sitting, staring at nothing, and developing a headache. I wanted to join in and talk to everyone, but I just couldn't. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and everyone else and I was stuck just being a third-person observer of the events happening in my own life. The thought of actually joining in to any conversations or games was completely impossible to me, and it was miserable. I'm definitely not looking forward to tomorrow evening when we're visiting relatives for dinner AGAIN, but I hope that I'll at least have a bit more energy.
I guess the fact that it was a dinner thing didn't help, because I think it took about half of what energy I did have to resist putting in headphones to ease the effects of my misophonia while everyone was eating in the little dining room.

I'm just discontent today; I'm not sure why. All evening I've been in one of my hating-everything moods; it's probably because I've barely done anything intellectual today. I worked on Cain's Jawbone a little bit and actually made some progress on figuring out one of the narrators, but that's about it. The day has just kind of wasted away in a blur and I don't know how I let it do that and that makes me upset.
I guess all I can say is that not thinking = grumpiness.

Over the summer, I've been constantly paranoid that I haven't been enjoying my time with my family enough; that I've been wasting what little time I have left with them always around before I move back to college in a few weeks. This has made it so that I'm too busy panicking during the times that I could be enjoying myself to actually live in the moment. A few weeks ago, we were walking through a gorgeous forest of towering Psudotsuga menzisii and the only thought in my mind was that I was going to be leaving these people in barely any time at all and not going to see them again until Thanksgiving. This negative feedback cycle is so infuriating, but I don't know what I can do. I feel like I'm wasting my time, and all that concern is leaving me with too little energy to fix it.
What's worse is that my eating problems are coming back; I'm having a hard time wanting to eat anything; I just have no appetite. The problem with this is that it's starting to affect my mental health, and the last few days have been miserable, which only feeds more into the negative spiral I described earlier. I keep getting snappy with my family because I hate everything, and I still have no appetite.